Journal Entries
27 Apr 26
I think that friendship wasn't as real as I felt. I need to stop getting so attached to people I don't know online. I knew the daily thing would stop at some point. It's kinda silly to even write about it right. But I felt like it was at least important to update here I guess. Especially since I tend to use this as a second journal. The main thing I think I've learnt out of this experience is that I'm sick of dudes that talk to me just to end up talking about their relationship problems. I want to be someones relationship problem. Ugh and I thought something like this wouldn't affect me as much.
I havent even thought about this website recently I've just been too dazed. I am getting back into my hobbies though. And I'm actually wanting to go out in the weekends which is a plus.
08 Apr 26
Oof one of my online friends has suddenly been chatting with me daily. It happened so out of the blue but I'm really having a good time. It does make me sad that I pretty literally can't hang out with the guy cause he lives so far but man. It did kinda make me realise those sorts of friendships I was missing. I'm probably over thinking it but there isnt many people i can just write to out of the blue i feel like i have 4 or 5 friends like that. Probably all you need right. Some day I'll think about actually making pages for my world building ideas but I think website making is going to take the back seat for a bit. I realised that my last update was such a rant and I probably wont do that in the near future.
29 Mar 26
I've been a little unmotivated recently in regards to this website, I think mainly because ever since I took that break from when my laptop was broken I havent kept that coding skill so its been hard to create more. I will probably keep working on it however just might not be as consistent as I was feeling a month ago on it.
Recently I've been remenicing on the friend group I ended up with in secondary. I'm not entirely sure whats brought it on but it's made me run through some parts of it again. I feel like I dont remember that much from that era because it was also during COVID and there was obviously a lot going on. But I remember that by the end of the last year I knew I wasn't going to try to take these friendships with me further. Which kinda sucks because I never really expressed my grievences with that group clearly with anyone involved. I know thats largely because I disconnected and didn't want people to say oh but we liked you so much blah blah blah. All that fake stuff. I strongly felt at that point and probably during a lot of the last year of school that I was just a friend of a friend to a lot of the people I hung out with and most of the people I would've called my actual friends were fading from me over time.
My best friend at that point on and off for about 10 years decided to drop out of school half way through the year. Looking back on that friendship in particular it really ended up being that I would only get to hang out with her outside of school if she wanted something from me, she asked me to do her paper run and also illustrate a childrens book style birthday present for her dad and we just didnt chat, didnt go out and do things. She didnt tell me when she got into relationships with people how that turned out. At a certain point our friendship simply stagnated. She would always think of me as 12 sweet innocent Porridge and it just got grating.
I realise I never really said much about the friend group itself. I think it was a weird amalgamation of three different groups. You know how off putting it was when two of my friends that I knew from primary school who hated eachothers guts were suddenly best friends? I remember they hated each other so much that we got pulled into the deputy princapals office about it and I dont even remember what they were hating each other over but I remember being like I just want my friends to be friends :(. I dont know what the resolution was but they stayed distant until secondary. Which!! is also where one of those friends dated someone I knew very well from primary school. He was essentially my next door neighbour. I used to be friends up into secondary where I would walk home with him, eventually I gave up on him because he was being too horrible to people in his life. The only reason why I stayed around for so long was because my mum knew his parents were going through a divorse so I guess she thought I could help him with that? I don't know he was kinda horrible in intermediate too. I'm not sure the exact circumstances but he got suspended for two weeks because he was horrible to his then girlfriend at the time. So yeah I don't know why I hung around for so long, I did not like the guy.
Finally I will say one last gripe because it feels like I've written a whole novel about it right now. I was never invited to activities the group did I would always kind of have to self invite myself. Like it felt more like an open invitation then anything actually malicious with not inviting. I think one moment that always stood out to me was when they were talking about going to the mall all day and I was finally like okaylet's do it (I was very much someone who needed some time before actualyl commiting to a thing). It got to the end of school and I was like "okay I'm coming along!" and a friend turned around to me and said "oh but you never join us." Instead of saying like yay glad you could make it! it felt like oh I wasn't actually invited to go to this thing. So I fully turned around and walked home. I was not dealing with that sort of energy at that point.
09 Mar 26
My mouth is currently de numbing from the first ever filling i've gotten. What a weird experience. I'll be honest I haven't updated this website for a while! Mainly since my laptop decided to die and I had to get it fixed. Really annoying since I use my laptop so often. I'm just glad to have this back and to not have lost everything. I'm trying to decided if I should think about getting a new laptop at some point or think about getting a pc? I mean I could invest in a beefy laptop so I can play more games but I also know that PC's are just better for that. It's really not urgent since I've got this one fixed and it will hopefully stay okay for another while.
10 Feb 26
I'm making my story page at the moment and I dont know why the font I'm using looks so different on that page? I dont think I've done anything wrong with it?? I know I need to work on the looks of my pages but I kinda want to plan out where everything goes first. Once I have my pages all made I can go back to improve them right?
I don't know why it unsettles me so much when youtube creators will go "I hope you're enjoying this second monitor video XD" or "Wether you're putting this on while doing the dishes or xyz". I think it might be due to how I watch youtube, and that it feels like theyre patronising my attention span?? Or even Like a lack of trust in their viewers just throws me for a loop. Why are you making things if you expect no one to pay proper attention to it. And it's not like I'm immune to multi screening or switching tabs constantly. I do that very often in fact. It just draws attention to how bad everyones attention is and for some reason youtubers are using it in a positive light like "You can just skip around to sections that interest you". Like no, I think you should be wanting your viewers to watch the whole thing actually and like actually engage with the stuff you put out there. Cause these creators want to be taken seriously but like who's going to actually watch the whole thing like that.
08 Feb 26
I just added the Garfield gif to the top of the page and I think it's cute. I just wish I knew how to make the image stay the same no matter the screen size. I don't think I'm going to add a directory for a while, I know it's annoying to scroll down all that way but I cannot be bothered about it. Yet.
Anyway, so I've been trying to get back into like proper digital art and I've been struggling a little with coming up with things to draw. I don't think I'm art blocked necessarily (I can never spell that right sorry champs!) I just dont have a strong idea behind what I want to make. I would like to work on my Erica's Emporium world which I will share with you guys eventually but I just dont have anything planned for it that makes me want to draw it. It's a weird problem to have I don't think I face this very often. It's more likely that I just get frustrated with what I'm making and then never continue it.
Oh also I can talk about work for a sec! I had a nice break yesterday with one of my workmates and I discovered that we're both into junk journalling so that was pretty cool. I don't think I'll share this site with anyone cause it's a little cringe (not really just not something I need people in my life looking at haha) but thats so fun. I didn't really expect her to be into it because I feel like she has that vibe of not being nessecarily (there's that word again) interested in crafts. Maybe that's just my preconceived notions about her. I don't know.
06 Feb 26
This might only make sense to the three people that like Deltora Quest but I think that something that gets lost in the anime is how much of a dad Barda is. He's introduced as some guy that hangs out infront of Leif home but once he gets put on the quest that all falls away. He goes from "God I have to look after these kids" to "these two are my kids and I need to go with them anywhere". I dont think he's all that strong in comparison to the teens because he gets injured so much. He fucking dies in the first book! and gets his leg swallowed up by that weird flesh eating plant. I think he also goes blind. I can't remember. Anyway he's honestly one of the funniest characters in the story which makes the kids seem that more serious.
Now that it's out of my brain, I can move onto like life updates I guess? I still dont know how I'm going to develop my website but I'm enjoying taking it slowly. I'm on a fixed term contract with that work and I'm trying to figure out if I want to continue working there after it expires. The thing is I don't think many people enjoy working there. They'll do it to survive but I don't see how I can really stay there. I want to figure it out but honestly I really struggle with looking into the future and making solid desisions for myself even if they're for my benifit.
02 Feb 26
Thought I would finally set up a Journal page, I'm not entirely sure what I'll end up sticking in here because I already use a physical journal for all my random rambles but eh- Why not give it a go.
I can talk a little bit about my physical journals though. I've been watching a lot of journal content and there's this trend of showing off their Journal ecosystems.
So I mainly use a notebook for general daily journalling. I have a common place journal where I write down anything I'm trying to learn, like its an exercise book for school. It used to have an index I would fill out but I've been really slack with it so maybe i'll switch to colour co-ordinating with different themes.
I also do junk journalling on occasion where I do kind of scrap booking and its a place where I can use up all of my stickers (and get lots of new ones heheh). My final book I've been using is a planner that I got on special from The Warehouse (not that people overseas know what that is) and I've just been using that to keep track of my weekly roster for work.
